BFN's everywhere!

Tested 9dp3dt and 11dp3dt (today)- all BFNs...
I'm come to accept the fact that I'm not pregnant......hubby seems to still be holding on to hope by a grain of salt.... I'm happy that at least one of us is being positive.

I have plans for next steps:
1) Take a break! LONG LONG break
2) Go on vacation with my hubby and his family- San Fran and Yellowstone in June!
3) Go on vacation with my hubby and my family- We are going to Turks and Caicos in August!!!
4) Attend wedding in Hong Kong in October- should look for plane tickets now...
Yay, travelling!

5) See a chinese medicine doctor specializing in fertility
6) Change clinics


I know I'm meant to have children.. right???? I feel like I haven't been myself since this journey to try to having babies- I want my life back!

7dp3dt- BFN

I hate you EVIL pee stick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4dp3dt

Here I am again,
4dp3dt..... and symptom searching...
Sore boobs?- not really, same as during stimming cycle
Cramps- I was so sure I had some twitches yesterday... but nothing today......
Constipation- BIG CHECK- but I think that's just from the iron supplements I am taking.. and maybe the FOUR TIMES A DAY progesterone suppositories I'm on.....
Itchy scratchy throat/start of a cold- I read somewhere that people get the flu and cold during their TWW and then get a BFP because their bodies are reacting to the implantation.... but I think it was because my hubby was very sick and is still sick all weekend.
Tiredness- yeah kind of, but i've been constantly tired since I started this IVF thing....

So nothing... and I don't feel preggos at all.....I'm hoping I can wait until 8dp3dt to do a HPT... my sisters tell me I shouldn't do it, but I can't help it.. for one i'm not patient enough and for two, if it is the usual result, at least I can prep myself for the beta which will be 14dp3dt....

*sigh*

IVF #2- Cycle day 11

I have gone through 9 days of stims now. I was previously on BCP for 2 straight months and also on one week of Lupron before I started stimming. Seems like it takes way more to get my ovaries going as I am now on double the dose that I was on from my IVF #1 (150iu Gonal-F 75 iu of Repronex) vs now (300iu Bravelle 150 iu of Repronex) At my scan this morning, it looks like there are 7 follies on the right ovary and 5 on the left one. I think I had more follies last time but that didn't end up well for me, so I am hoping that this is certainly a quality over quantity situ for me.

RE says that the follies are all about the same size, which is good as last time I had 2 over mature, and 2 immature eggs after retrieval. It looks like I'll be stimming for a few more days, maybe egg retrieval on Saturday or Sunday?? I hope I'll get more than 1 good egg this time.....

9dp3dt- BFN (of course)

I took a HPT before going to my WTF appointment yesterday morning.
Of course the usual stark white result stared back at me. Previously, I had promised my sisters that I would be firm with my RE with my questions in asking about what happened to our first IVF cycle. I said I would not let him blame it on my endometriosis. Oh but he did, he actually made me emotional and I got teary eyed when he told us that my endometriosis would mean I would make less eggs than a normal 31 year old would and that we would likely just need to go through my retrievals than others. More retrievals? Honestly, going through the first one was just so hard, I can't imagine going through MORE retrievals....
His recommendation is that we do a longer BCP period to completely quiet down the ovaries (between 6-8 weeks) I think that this will be a good break for me.

Hubby is leaving for Asia on Monday and will be gone for 2.5 weeks. Booooooo, beta is on Tuesday, which means he won't be here to share the bad news (I'm already anticipating) with me...

8dp3dt- BFN

Today is the first day of my life as a blogger.

I have been stalking other people's blogs, mostly the ones about infertility. I love reading people's old post, as they are going through the same thing as I am today, but only 3-4 years ago. Today I poas'ed and received the most familiar stark white result. BFN. This is what inspired by webpage title.  I then, like all other gals who are in the same boat as me, go right ahead and googled "8dp3dt- BFN" and read a whole bunch of forums and blogs. When I read those blogs, I always go back to the home page, and about 95% of this blogs, the most recent posts would be of their wonderful babies, or pregnancy pictures. I love that, it reassures me that there is a happy ending to all of this. Maybe it's just not my turn yet. It also motivates me to start a blog, so that I can document my trouble times and also I know that somewhere in the future for me, there will be posts about me getting that infamous BFP and enjoying the wonders of pregnancy and finally being a mom.  

Ok- back to 8dp3dt-  Could it still be a little early to test? Yes, probably and no probably. This is my first IVF attempt.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2010 when I had my first lap to remove a large chocolate cyst (10cm to be exact). At that time, I never understood how this diagnosis would affect me. But almost 4 years later, it has come back to haunt me with a vengeance. I think accepted the fact pretty easily that it would take extra help in order for me and my husband to get pregnant.  I was a good girl, and didn't waste much time as soon as my specialist told me that I need to attend a fertility clinic as he thought the only way I would ever get pregnant would be through IVF. Under the recommendation of my RE, I went through one unmedicated IUI cycle and one clomid/IUI cycle to no avail. He then suggested I go straight to IVF as he felt that the IUI cycle wouldn't be much use anyways. (WTF did you suggest IUI in the first place?) Anyways, at our IVF consultation, my RE reassured me that at my young age of (31) and with a good AMH number, I would have no problem with growing a good number of eggs. He even said that IVF is the best choice as we would be able to "bypass" my endometriosis. He didn't recommend a lap to remove my existing endometrosis (it's all over my ovaries) as he said it would not have any affect on the success rate of the IVF. 

So fine- we went along, just as he said. My first IVF cycle is what I would call a disaster. I had a great number of follicles growing (14+) but at my egg retrieval, I only had 5 eggs retrieved, on top of that only 1 mature and 4 were to immature to even attempt fertilization. We ended up with a 9-cell grade 2 embryo which we transferred on day 3.  I think anyone would kind of see that as a disappointment. So maybe it was my endometriosis that is the cause of this disappointment, but certainly my RE did not set the right expectations.  I will have my WTF appointment with him tomorrow. I hope he has the answers to all my gazillion questions. 

Am I still hopeful about this cycle? I will not give up on my little embryo... but certainly it is important to have a back up plan (which is to attempt IVF #2) but this is dependent on how well my WTF appointment goes tomorrow. 

I have plans to poas tomorrow before the appointment, so that if I continue to see that familiar stark white stick, I have more motivation to be more firm with my RE tomorrow and get him on the same page as my husband and I. Any other result on that stick would be a welcomed bonus.